Dirty Old Man
Today I was in a sales call in Elyria, OH at a camera shop owned by a man well into his 80s. The sales rep, Bev, (who was a woman in her 50s) and I walked in and I see this man sitting on a stool behind a counter. He looked innocent enough, but Bev's voice was echoing in my head. "Howard...well he's quite a character, just to warn you."
The first words out of his mouth were "Hey there, pull my ponytail." Immediately Bev said, "Don't do it." Howard responded, "Awwww, you never let me have any fun." and then proceeded to fart.
So I go through my little sales schpeel, and he decides to buy an ad. When we were deciding on a day of the week, I suggested Thursday, since it was a very popular TV watching night. Howard responded "I never watch TV on Thursday, of course I'm usually too busy having sex." And then he starts giggling like a 10 year old. Somehow the conversation alluded to height, and Bev mentioned that her youngest daughter was 6'1''. Howard says "I'm 7-1." I look at him, confused, and he's pointing to his crotch, again giggling. After trying to sell me a pair of binoculars (good for looking through windows) and a $50 Nativity set (although I have no clue why a Jewish man had a Nativity set in his camera shop) we decided it was time to go. As we were leaving, two teenagers walked in. Howard greeted them and when they said they were just looking around he said "What you come in here to just look around? I'm an old man, I don't have time to look around! Buy something already!"
When I'm 80 I hope I'm half the dirty old man that he is.
What if...
When I was in college, I used to play this game with some of my friends called "Would You Rather." I'm sure everyone had their own variations of this game with questions like "Would you rather be deaf or blind?" "Would you rather drink water from a toilet or warm, curdled milk?" "Would you rather eat poo or a human lung?"
You know, typical questions you ask yourself everyday.
This game would ultimately end up mutating itself into "Who do you like better?" where we would pit our mutual friends against each other.
So I've decided to have our own version of this game on Philthy Laundry using celebrities that we all know and loathe.
So, what if you had to spend 24 hours in a room with one of the following three Mikes. Who would you choose?
Mike Tyson
Michael Jackson?
or Michael Moore?
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
They should sell Vasectomies at The Gap
I just spent a wonderful weekend in Upstate New York traveling to witness the beauty of Niagara Falls. Normally I can always find something to complain about on my travels (see every other post I've written) but this time I was pleasantly surprised that I had nothing to lament over. I arrived in the Niagara Falls vicinity, and though I was a little misdirected, I finally reached them. Almost immediately, it started raining, but it was impossible for me to be upset about the weather standing in front of this natural marvel.
Afterwards I headed over to a casino to play some cards. I lost some money, but considering the length of time I played blackjack, the variety of great people I met while doing so, and the fact that I expect to lose, I was very entertained and not the least bit disappointed in my losses.
The next morning I woke up and headed back to Oswego, (purposely going slower than normal to remain behind a van that was transporting a horse. Not in a trailer pulled by the van, but the horse in the van...you can imagine my glee) and on the way home I noticed an outlet mall of substantial proportion. Anyone who knows me also knows that I have a lot of trouble passing up a good outlet mall (an addiction brought on by a couple of the fellas in the links area -->) I stopped and shopped, found some bargains and then I saw it...the mecca of every outlet mall, The Gap. Always the home of the hottest deals, and the one store you can't not visit. After making my way past a giant Arby's oven mitt (or rather a man dressed in an Arby's oven mitt costume) I entered. The deals: amazing. I stocked up on several pairs of boxers at over 40% off the already low ticketed price (because you can never have too much underwear) and a new pair of flip-flops which I desperately needed after the
Worst Day Ever costing a mere $1.99.
Then it happened, the dilapidation of my anger-free weekend. Standing in the long checkout line, a young family approaches to stand in line behind me. Man, Wife, and 3 little fallen angels. First of all the youngest, and still a baby/young toddler was screaming its head off and I'm forgiving of that, its still too young to know better. But the other two are lucky to be alive right now, because if I were their father, I would have killed them, or at least let them peck each other to death like a couple of Mexican chickens. The boy, probably 6-7 was jumping and squawking like a coked-up bird. The girl, maybe 5, was bouncing back and forth between her father's arms and standing on her own. When her father was holding her, she was kicking and screaming to be put down. When she was on the ground she was running in circles and swinging her arms around shrieking like a miniature banshee. Ridiculous.
If they sold vasectomies at The Gap, I would have gladly purchased one for this man, so he could have no chance of ruining the world with another one of his offspring. By the look on his face, I think he would have accepted without hesitation.
The way to earn a big tip
I just got done eating at a Ruby Tuesday's in
Oswego, NY and after my succulent rib dinner I order a cup of coffee. My African-American and very hot waitress asks me if I want cream, to which I reply "No, black's the way to go" To which she replies, "You better believe it!" and gives me a little wink.
If it were up to me, we'd be planning a Fall 2006 wedding.
Favorite song quote this week
"You put the art in retarted"
-
Public Service Annoucement, The Bravery
I couldn't make something like this up if I tried
The Time: Approximately 7pm on Sunday August 7, 2005 AD.
The Place: A BP gas station in Manteno, IL just off Interstate 57.
The Sighting: A woman, about 15-18 years of age dressed as a cat. That's right, a cat. She had a long black tail, two pointy little ears, mittens that looked like paws, and whiskers on her face.
Just to make sure I wasn't going insane, I asked an older black man standing on the other side of the pump from me if he just saw what I saw. His response: "Man, you white people are crazy."
Things I've learned lately
-Trying to cure a mild case of constipation "the old fashioned way" by eating mass quantities of buffalo wings will cause you to experience all four forms of poop: hard clumps, soft logs, diarrhea, and pure liquid...in that order
-When you feel like you're pretty hot stuff, you meet at least 10 people that are WAY better than you (AKA the classic lesson in pride)
-I could totally kick ass on the Teen Tournament of Jeopardy (if only I wasn't approaching 25)
-Viagra is a gateway drug to other performance enhancing drugs (thanks Rafael)
-Even if I could grow facial hair like a normal man, I would still look stupid with a beard
-Adult acne always strikes at the worst possible time (usually right before a scheduled photo)
-Always hold your finger over the bottle of ketchup when you shake it (a lesson learned too late for my favorite shorts)
-You don't have to have any grocery knowledge to work at Jewel (I bought plums and the cashier rang up apples, this after she asked me for my ID to ring up the 12 pack of Ginger Ale I wanted to purchase)
-Roger Ebert is married to a large black woman named
Chaz
