Airing my Philthy Laundry

After hearing it twice this weekend...

I wonder if Kool & The Gang knew they were ruining the world when they recorded "Celebration."

posted by philthy @ 7:53 PM 2 comments

National "Embrace The Lame" Day

Today is National "Embrace the Lame" Day. This Blogger created Embrace the Lame Day (henceforth known as ETL) when he found himself contemplating his words in order to sound "cool" when blogging. Therefore he declared April 28th should be an annual day for us to all remember that as cool as we all think we are, there's a little bit of lame in everyone. Not only should we acknowledge our lameness, we should embrace it! Because chances are, there's someone out there who's even lamer than you.

So here is my official 2006 ETL List:

-I spend a minimum of 2.7 hours a week playing those orbitz games that pop up when you go to espn.com

-I still have a crush on Denise Huxtable

-As much as I like to think I have an eclectic taste in music, whenever Kelly Clarkson comes on the radio, the windows go down, the radio goes up, and i scream along. But it gets worse. I also own both of her CDs, and there's a chance that when she comes to concert in Chicago this summer, I'll adopt a 14 year old girl so I have someone to go the the concert with.

-The above statement also applies to Journey, except replace the 14 year old girl with a 42 year old man.

-When I'm feeling lazy, and there's really nothing on TV, I usually end up watching horrible reality TV on MTV. Let's hear it for Laguna Beach! What, nobody? How 'bout 8th & Ocean? Hmmmm...ok. There's got to still be some people who watch Real World, right? Not in your mid 20s, huh? Ok...point taken.

-One of my most favorite Friday night activities is popping open a couple bottles of red wine, playing rummy, and listening to Heart's Greatest Hits on repeat. Loud.

-I own the first season of The OC on DVD, and watch it regularly. I still stand by season one of that show...the other 2, not so good.

-When I was in grade school, I wrote a letter to Hulk Hogan when he was in the hospital.

-I love Gmail chat. A lot.

-At least once a day I leave a room with my right arm raised saying "Rock and Roll!"

-6 months ago, I bought an Atari

More lameness to come...I'm sure this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Embrace your own lameness in the comments!

posted by philthy @ 9:03 AM 4 comments

Rules for living in a civilized society

I'm continually amazed that even though we live in a modern American society, people can still be so clueless as to screw up my life with their ineptitude. Since I'm a kind a patient man, I've decided to help out those of you who despite your moronic tendencies have somehow managed to live amongst normal people by providing you a list of simple things you can do to improve everyone's lives.

Rule 1: Cellphones have infiltrated our culture and I've been able to deal with the fact that anyone that knows me can get ahold of me whenever they want. However, with great power comes great responsibility. It is absolutely unnecessary to call me while you're in the middle of a concert so I can hear the song that the band is playing. Because I can't hear the song, all i can here is static, screaming and noise. Also cellphone use on all forms of public transportation should be kept under a 3 minutes. In 3 minutes you can surely make plans to communicate with that person once you've vacated the vehicle so you're not the jackass that's screaming on the train.

Rule 2: I've vented several times about inept parenting. Here's a simple rule to follow: If your child is under the age of 10, they don't belong in a restaurant where the average plate cost is above $15. That's why God invented places like Perkins, and Chili's. So you can take your devil children to places where they are not bothering normal people. If your child is over 10 and still not acting civilized, beat them until they start...or risk me doing it for you.

Rule 3: Operating a motor vehicle can be hard work, with both the pedals and the steering wheel to worry about, I can see why this can be difficult for some of you. Here are two quick ones to remember:
3a: If you're driving on the highway, and you get passed on the right...it's your fault, no matter how fast you're going.
3b: If you park one car in a spot that's clearly big enough for two...don't be surprised if part of your car is missing when you return to it. (Side view mirror, brake line, etc)

Rule 4: Waiting for anything sucks, but it's a fact of life. If you approach a line, please go to the end of the line. Don't stand around in the middle somewhere and merge your way in. If you've already secured a position in line, it is not permissible to groan and moan or exhale heavily because it's taking longer than you want. Everyone's pissed...pick up an US Weekly, read about Nick and Jessica and get over it. Also, it is absolutely unacceptable to meander around and leave the line and expect to get your place back. Stay committed.

Rule 5: In regards to public laundry machines...don't leave your clothes unattended. If you share a laundry machine with 5 or less units, you have 37 minutes to transfer your laundry from one machine to the next, or risk it being thrown somewhere else. For every 10 units your building has, subtract 20 minutes from the amount of time you have before your clothes are strewn about haphazardly. If you have more than 50 units, you better be waiting when the buzzer goes off, or else. Plus, if things are in my size, there's a chance I'll steal them.

Finally
Rule 6: After engaging in some brief urinal talk in a public bathroom, it is absolutely inappropriate to pat me on the back after you zip up.

Take Heart, America.

posted by philthy @ 12:03 AM 4 comments

Random thoughts from the past fortnight

-I don't know why I can't stop watching Deal or No Deal. It's quite possibly one of the worst shows on television, yet I can't turn it off. I don't really like Howie Mandel (although I do thank him weekly for Bobby's World one of the best cartoons ever)

-I'm pretty sure the maid at my hotel is stealing my loose change. I was really looking forward to a Twix tonight...it's the only candy bar with the cookie crunch.

-I was flipping through the channels last night before I went to sleep and I happened to see the last 15 seconds of Sex and the City. Sarah Jessica Parker was walking down the street and her clever little voice over says "On my walk home, I got my period" ...and credits. I had nightmares. Someone remind me why this show is supposed to be good, let alone funny?

-Can anyone explain to me why a McDonald's Cheeseburger costs $1.02, but a McDonald's Double Cheeseburger only costs $1?

-Is it really possible that Kellie Pickler is really that dumb? Is it really possible that Katharine McPhee is that perfect for me? Kat-Call me!

-Last Friday I went to see The Strokes (Jan AOTM) at The Aragon in Chicago. The show, by the way, was awesome...great live performers. When I arrived, I was suddenly surrounded by a ton of 17 year olds. I've never felt like 25 was old until then. The closer it came to showtime, the more people my own age came, which comforted me for a while. But I came to the realization that in about 3-4 years from now, I'm going to be officially too old to rock.

-After feeling old at The Strokes concert I officially started the April 2006 edition of my quarter-life crisis. I'm yet again contemplating my future...which I guess isn't a bad thing. It's definitely better than being complacent. I guess the problem with your 20's is that you're young enough to do anything you want, but old enough to have to make some serious decisions about your life. Kind of makes me wish I was still in college skipping Microbiology to hang out on the secret tanning deck on the side of my frat house.

-It's happened to everyone, the mysterious number shows up on your cell phone. Last Sunday, curiosity got the best of me and I answered the phone. On the other end is a hyper and high pitched girl who seemed to already be talking before I picked up. "Phil," she exclaimed, "I can't believe it's you. Guess who this is. Oh my gosh you're never going to guess, but guess who this is." This voice sounds vaguely familiar but all I can think is "Crap! Not another illegitimate child." But turns out it was just an old coworker and friend from college, Jenny. Randomly her older sister is engaged to the general's older brother and they just met at a new family meshing activity. Apparently the general felt he should give out my number to any girl asking for it...and he's correct. In fact, feel free to pass it out to girls not asking for it. Cute, single ones please! Needless to say, a friendship has been rekindled and in the words of Jenny "Dude, we're totally going to hang out."

Enjoy the weekend everyone...I'm planning on eating my weight in Peeps.

posted by philthy @ 7:05 PM 3 comments

Check this guy out

I've been reading this blog for about a year, and it's definitely worth a Philthy endorsement. Reflections about the ups and downs of life, mixed with some fun banter.

It's basically what this blog would be if I was ever serious, disciplined, not so lazy, and about 100x more eloquent. Check out some of the archives...there's some good stuff there.

In fact, you're just wasting your time here...get back to work!

posted by philthy @ 7:40 PM 1 comments

A cut below the rest

So I've traveled my way across the greater part of the United States, and if there has been one thing that's consistent...it's that hair salons have the worst business names than any other industry. I've been documenting this disturbing phenomenon, here's what I have so far:

-Hair It Is!
-Hair I Am!
-Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
-Combing Attractions
-The Cutting Edge
-Hairtastic!
-The Director's Cut
-Twisted Scissors
-Right Hair, Right Now
-A Head of the Times
-Curl Up & Dye (someone told me about this one)
-Hair and Beyond

and my personal favorite:
-From Hair to Eternity (I actually went here for 2 years)

Any additions to the list, Interneters?

posted by philthy @ 8:15 PM 3 comments

April AOTM - KT Tunstall

I've been so excited about this girl, that I almost posted this two weeks ago, just to let everyone know how wonderful she is.
Imagine Chris Martin from Coldplay and Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac went to prom, got drunk and had a love child. The result would be KT Tunstall. The latest to come out of the new British Invasion, she's sultry, seductive, and soulful. Think old school blues, with a modern twist. Now she can add Philthy Laundry's Artist of the Month to her long list of accolades. Throw her on your Ipod and enjoy.

posted by philthy @ 10:15 AM 1 comments