Phil needs...
I've recently discovered another one of those crazy Google games that you can waste an entire Saturday playing. Basically you type in "[your name] needs" into google and read with amazement all the things the internet thinks you need.
Here are some of the more entertaining ones (with my commentary):
-Phil needs to go visit a nursing home with his sketch pad (right you are, I haven't drawn Grandma's portrait in a while)
-Phil needs to release his tension, find a nice girlfriend and settle down (if you only knew how right you were)
-Phil needs a new, globalization-free, place to live (don't we all?)
-Phil needs a new kidney to survive (holy crap!)
-Phil needs to be taken down a peg or two (obviously from a webpage full of lies)
-Phil needs to join in the ranks of the TV Show Wife Swap! (let's work on #2 first)
-Phil needs to be reimbursed 10 bucks for paperware (damn the man)
-Phil needs a sponsor because he is amazing (no comment needed)
-Phil needs a bigger cushion than five runs to assure victory. (someone who obviously went to my little league games)
-Phil needs your help today to fight the Schwarzenegger fundraising machine! (even I can't stop the terminator)
-Phil needs the extension paint brush because he's not very tall, nor does he have long, ape-like flesh-tubes for arms.
-Phil needs to figure out how to make his lsamin package work correctly. (actually phil needs to know what his lsamin package is)
-Phil needs to feel superior and find people who are inferior who make him feel better about himself. (that's a little harsh, don't you think?)
-Phil needs to read his own biography on why he started making music to begin with. (Beans, Beans, the musical fruit...)
-Phil needs to have a serious talk with Oprah (if she'd only return my calls)
-Phil needs hair plugs (my worst nightmare, realized)
-Phil needs a raggedy old green army coat.
-Phil needs tighter jeans and crisper tops or fitted sweaters (that's the last thing Phil needs)
-Phil needs to get his swerve on from time to time. (Riiiiight)
-Phil needs packed up and sent to Mars on the 1st space mission there. (sounds fun)
-Phil needs for you to go in and kick his butt every 30 days or so. (my personal favorite)
I highly recommend having the internet tell you what you need. Just make sure you don't have anything going on for the next few hours.
Catholic School Takes a Stand
Cheers to St Rose of Lima Catholic school for standing up for their beliefs instead of buckling under public pressureThis school, which is not publicly funded, has the right to determine what conduct it deems fit for it's employees. They expect the teachers at this school to live up to the values of the Catholic Church, and by not doing that, run the risk of termination.
While I'm sure several in this church will be there to help this woman through the hard times that are sure to come, the school has no fault in terminating her.
I think I have the Bird Flu!
Reason #1: I'm sick for the 3rd time in 6 months. I never used to get sick, but now it seems my body is an all hours night club for disease.
Reason #2: I'm in Canada, where apparently
the bird flu is running rampantReason #3: This morning, I laid an egg.
I've never been so happy for American Health Care
than after I read this...
Ants eat away woman's eye in hospital
Tue Nov 15, 2005 10:26 AM ET
KOLKATA, India (Reuters) - A woman receiving treatment for diabetes at a state-run hospital in eastern India lost one of her eyes after ants nibbled away at it, officials said on Tuesday.
The patient recovering from a post-surgery infection shrieked for help as the ants attacked her on Sunday night, but nurses told her it was normal to feel pain from the infection.
On Monday, the patient's family saw a gaping hole with swarming ants in it when they lifted the bandage on her left eye.
Authorities of the Sambhunath Hospital in Kolkata said they were probing the incident.
"It's not uncommon for ants to attack diabetic patients. We have set up a committee to investigate the unfortunate incident," hospital superintendent A. Adhikary said.
Scampering rats and stray cats and dogs sharing bed space with patients are not uncommon sights at India's overcrowded state-run hospitals that are used by millions of poor and middle-class people.
I'm not sure which is worse here, that the nurses said it was normal to feel pain, or that the hospital superintendent said it's not uncommon for ants to attack patients.
One of the worst days in Television History
Fox has finally decided to cancel
Arrested Development, which is one of the funniest TV shows in years. It's intelligent humor and awkward situations (a la the BBC hit
The Office) offer a different type of funny than the typical American sitcom with it's yuk-yuk humor and predictable storylines.
Ratings have been low since the start, 2 1/2 seasons ago, despite AD winning multiple awards including an Emmy for Best Comedy Series in 2004 and best writing in 2005.
I don't blame Fox for canceling the show, in fact I commend them for sticking with it for so long. Television is a business, and no matter how much you like an employee, if they aren't producing revenue, you have to let them go. As David Cross (one of the stars of AD) said "They could probably make a lot more money with 'America's Cutest Retards' or something."
The problem is that our culture does not appreciate intelligent humor, at least not on TV. Anything that isn't blatantly funny, anything you have to think about, is too much work. I hope everyone who didn't watch this show is happy that in 10 years all we'll be watching is the 14th season of
Laguna Beach.
Who knew Pizza Hut was so disturbed?
Today at a Southern Illinois Pizza Hut I was engrossed in one of their wildly entertaining placemats. The one in front of me was posing hypothetical questions that you could discuss with others at the table to help distract from the fact that you're about to eat some of the worst pizza in the world. Since I was alone, I pondered them quietly to myself.
Question 1: If you could be President for one day, what would you do? This one was easy to answer...First I'd prank call Kim Jong-Il. Then I'd get rid of "President's Day" and return to the glory that was "Lincoln's Birthday" AND "Washington's Birthday."
Question 2: If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? Another easy one. I would wear a new pair of socks every day for the rest of my life, because we all know that nothing is better than a new pair of socks. I'd also buy an unlimited supply of gummy bears.
Question 3: What if you had to fit a giraffe into a refrigerator, how would you do it?Personally, I think this question is kind of messed up, but if I've learned anything in my life, it's that when Pizza Hut asks you a question, you answer it, gosh darn it! So naturally the only logical answer to this question is to shoot the giraffe with a tranquilizer dart and wait until it falls asleep. Then you would need to take a saw and cut the giraffe up into smaller pieces. Then you stack up the pieces and put them in the refrigerator. Consider that question answered.
Sweet Dreams!
If I could be a superhero
So I'm sure you've been asked the question "If you could have any super power, what would you choose?" I've been asked this several times before, and I always have a different response. Sometimes I wish I could fly, other times I wish I could teleport to different locations in an instant. Maybe x-ray vision or time travel is more your cup of tea. All of these are great choices.
But today, I think I came up with the ultimate super power: The ability to instantly remove yourself from uncomfortable situations.
Think about it...how many times have you been stuck talking to "that guy" at a party and you couldn't get away. Or when someone spontaneously starts talking about their health problems. Or the time when an old man grabs ahold of your arm and talks to you for hours about the way things used to be, all the while smelling like moth balls and old man breath! Or when you're driving around in a salesman's truck, unable to escape his incessant rambling about his ex-wife, his dog, listening to his crappy bluegrass music, or having him list off all the wacky high school mascots he's ever heard of!
Plus I bet that power comes with an awesome utility belt.
