Where the hell am I?
I'm in Southern Illinois...so I guess I know where I am physically, but in terms of a normal society, I'm way off the map.
Maybe I've been urbanized by my years in the city, but this place is creeping me out.
First, on my drive in, I saw a dead deer on the highway...not a big occurrence right? Except this deer was not a deer, but "parts" of a deer...like the head and guts. Apparently the person who hit it, decided "Well I guess I better take this home before it gets cold."
Next, the office I'm working at is very...uh...retro in it's appearance. It's covered in wood paneling and bright red, lime green, and gold shag carpeting. I think it's giving me a seizure. Or maybe I'm just feeling woozy because this is the only office in America that still allows smoking! Which by the way, I'm pretty sure is illegal.
I'm half expecting this to be some sort of Halloween thing and tomorrow I'm going to wake up in a normal place...but I'm not holding my breath.
Question: Is there anything better than watching The Price Is Right in your underwear?
Answer: Absolutely NotThe Price Is Right may be the best show of all time...it's by far the best game show. I've noticed that there are a few common themes that make a great TPIR episode and every once in a while, you'll get all of these in one episode. Today, friends, was one of those days. Let me draw it out for you.
1. A great episode has at least one player that was asked to "Come on Down" but can never manage to make it up to the stage. Towards the end of the show this player desperately begs the audience for help and somehow still manages to get it wrong.
2. A great episode has several home-made t-shirts expressing the contestant's love for Bob Barker and/or some bit of personal information (Example: I survived polio so I could kiss Bob!)
3. In a great episode, someone (preferably an old woman) almost falls down while spinning the wheel.
4. One word: Plinko
5. The cocky college prick from Michigan loses the most obvious of games and goes over while spinning the big wheel. The audience applaudes
6. The showcase showdown has some combination of old people who don't realize what things actually cost now ("New car, must be about $5000 I suppose") and crazy people of any age who jump up and down frantically at every prize, even if it's new carpet or a crappy DVD collection.
The Price Is Right: Fostering Unemployment for over 30 years!
The Best Deal in Town
Today I stumbled upon a garage sale in my neighborhood. To me, a garage sale is one of the most amazing spectacles man could ever witness. In essence it's just people who have a bunch of crap in their house that they don't want anymore, so they decide to sell it. I can think of only 2 reasons to have a garage sale. Either, you truly think that some of your trash may be someone else's treasure and you are fulfilling some desperate need in society for people who are on their own form of treasure hunt for your old mangled troll doll. Or you're either too lazy or greedy to give your used things to the Goodwill. Whatever the reason, I am thankful. I've had many good experiences at garage sales, and I've collected some good booty.
Today's purchase was a blue Bugs Bunny waffle maker. At $5, I couldn't pass it up.
The Chinese Have Gone Too Far!
Today I had a nice dinner in a Chinese restaurant in Casa Grande, AZ. As is tradition, I received a fortune cookie with my bill. When I was younger, the fortune cookie was my favorite part of the meal...it was an opportunity for me to get a glimpse into the future that only the Chinese knew. Within the past few years, however, I've seen the fortunes get crappier and crappier. Lately I've been receiving fortunes such as "You're a nice person" or "You have a positive attitude" which is more fortunate for others that have to deal with me, than to myself. But tonight's fortune took the cake (or I suppose the cookie)
My fortune read: "Made in the USA"
What the F, China?
O'er Amber Waves of Grain
After spending the last 10 days in Central Nebraska, here are some observations I've made.
-Everything you've ever heard about Nebraska being nothing but flat fields of corn is true. When my plane was landing in Lincoln, the runway was literally between 2 cornfields. 40 feet to the left and we would have ruined some poor farmer's weekend.
I-80 basically cuts the state in half, and it's the straightest, flattest road i've ever been on. I think i may have even fallen asleep for 10 minutes or so.
-Nebraska football is the only thing that matters more than corn. On the Saturday I spent there (when Nebraska played Iowa State) I was the only person I saw, other than those in worker uniforms, that was not wearing a red Nebraska shirt. This is not an exaggeration. EVERYONE in Perkins, EVERYONE I bumped into in my hotel. Everyone. I've never witnessed something like this before.
-It's really windy. There were gusts up to 40mph a couple days. I guess it's because there's nothing taller than 8 feet tall to stop the wind (mountains, buildings, trees, giant dinosaur statues.) Although everyone said the wind was always blowing in Nebraska because Oklahoma sucks. (see point #2)
-Nebraskanites(sounds right, right?) must love their mid to late 90s Top 40 music. I've never heard so much Seal and Sugar Ray in my life.
-Though I wouldn't have admitted it at the time, there were a couple times when the sun was setting over those vast fields of corn, where the occasional grove of trees were turning their autumnal colors, and when I'd only heard "Kiss from a Rose" once that day, that I'd crack a peaceful smile.
High Speed Internet for Grandma!
I've been seeing a lot of commercials advertising high-speed internet. At first, it doesn't seem that weird, after all, you have to advertise your product if you want to sell it. But almost everyone I know already has high-speed internet. In fact the only people I know that are still using a dial-up connection, are over the age of 70. And when you think about it, they're the ones who don't have as much time to wait for a webpage to load as most other people...they're almost dead. So I think that the internet companies should change their whole marketing plan around and really focus on the geriatric community. Maybe have Wilford Brimley advertise it along with those life insurance policies that you can only get if you're over the age of 55. Or maybe offer a free month of service with a proof of purchase from a bottle of Centrum Silver. The possibilities are endless.
