Let's talk about vomit
So I just ate this big pasta dinner and thus, I started thinking about puking, and how much I hate it. Then I wondered if animals dislike puking...I mean I'm sure they don't love it, but how bad can something be if after you throw up, you go and lick it?
But I came to the conclusion that if one animal hates puking, it would have to be the giraffe. It must take like 5 minutes for the puke to get from the giraffe's stomach to it's mouth...and there's probably a lot of hacking til it comes out.
Poor giraffes.
In other news, i'm in Lisbon, OH currently, which is actually pretty nice. I'll try to get some pics, but a little sneak preview of what the "Lisbon Travel" post will look like: There will be talk of a visit to "Big Dick's Rod Shop" and my encounter with a sex change patient...stay tuned, you don't want to miss this.
The end of my campaign
Well, it looks like I'm not going to be the next Pope. I knew it was a long shot, but still, I am disappointed. I wanted to thank everyone that worked on my campaign...it was a great run.
Dang it, I was really looking forward to changing my name to Benedict.
Well, maybe next time
Hit me baby one more time!
Well folks, today is indeed a special day. As I'm sure most of you have heard, my dear friend Britney Spears has announced that she is in fact pregnant with her first child. Britney has been a long time reader of "Philthy Laundry" and thus has given us the pleasure of picking a name for her new offspring.
We're not sure if it's a boy or a girl, so let's come up with names for each situation.
I am truly honored to have this responsibility, as I'm sure you are as well.
Here are some names that I came up with:
Boy names:
Jason Alexander Spears-Federline (after her first husband)
Jack Daniels Spears-Federline (who was present at conception)
Timber Crockett Spears-Federline (very woodsy)
Girl names:
Urchin Breeze Spears-Federline (Oceany)
Madonna Christina Spears-Federline (to remember the infamous 3-way)
Kabbalah Kabbalah Spears-Federline (good enough to say twice)
Let's get the list going to help out good ol' Brit!
Sandusky, Ohio...The Armpit of America (but still only 5 inches from the heart)
So I spent one glorious week in Sandusky, OH...and let me tell you, it was amazing. I'll take you through the highlights of the week with some pictures. Most of the hilarious moments are unfortunately not caught on film as I did not have my camera with me at the time. I'm still new at this photo-documentary thing, so I promise I'll try to get better.
Sandusky is a town that thrives on it's summer tourism...in the county during the year, there are about 80,000 inhabitants, from May-September, that number jumps to over 1,000,000. Mostly due to the Erie Islands, and Cedar Point
(Drive by pic of Cedar Point)
This amusement park boasts the worlds tallest, and fastest roller coaster...one of about 15 at the park. You can tell how great it is because Snoopy is jumping up and down in front of those pole things...where else does that happen??
As you can imagine, everyone in this town thinks this park is God's little gift to the area, and tries to bring it up in normal conversation. Example...I'm at a restaurant and I ask the waitress what she recommends. To that she responds, "The burgers here are really good. The only better ones are at Cedar Point...have you been there yet? It's amazing. I love Cedar Point. Go Roller Coasters!!!
I also heard a lot of "It's a shame you didn't come here when Cedar Point is open. It's totally crazy, you know it has the best roller coasters in the world, don't you?
By Monday night, I was already sick of hearing about Cedar Point, and was hoping a giant earthquake would send the whole peninsula floating through the Great Lakes until it reached the Atlantic, and then sank to the bottom of the sea...then the whole town could just wither and die, and the world would be a better place...but i digress.
For my job, I get to go out and sell advertising space to a wide array of businesses. I wish I had a picture of this one guy, who owned and operated a Oil Change Place...he was a classic. He, of course had a mullet, and had only 1 bottom tooth...ONE!!! After further inspection I found that his top teeth were fake, so this one jagged curved bottom tooth was the only one he could still take credit for. I started to wonder what caused his teeth to fall out. Was it the 3 packs of unfiltered cigarettes he smoked per day? Did it just make the mullet look better so he pulled them out? After a while I came up with the answer...Taffy. Impossible to resist, and it erodes your teeth with the best of them. He probably got it at Cedar Point, since they have the best taffy in all the world there.
Here is the pic of the knot I had in my tie one day...not to shabby. I normal struggle with a good knot, so when I popped this baby out on the first try, I was needless to say, delighted
Anyway, back to Sandusky. There's another phenomenon there that I have never seen anywhere in my travels. Everywhere you go there are these Neon Palm Trees.
At bars, at restaurants, in front of T-shirt shops. I think there must be some sort of Nuclear plant somewhere that had a major leak and turned all these trees into the fluorescent glowing beauties they are. Or maybe the locals are just trying to make summer last as long as possible since that's when their Mecca is up and running. I actually heard that if you live in Sandusky, you have to pray to Snoopy 5 times a day and face Cedar Point...strange.
Now this final story sums up the people of Sandusky perfectly. There was this lady at the office I was working with who kept raving about the little toy her husband had made...she pulls it out, and it's a ball in a box carved out of a carrot...I'm not kidding people. Her husband, the genius that he is, figured out how to carve a carrot into a box with a ball of carrot inside of it. She kept it in a little plastic bag and showed it to everyone that walked in the door. But the worst of it was that people were astonished by it. "How did he do that?" they asked. Insane. I wish I had a pic of it, but sadly I don't. I'm not doing this thing justice by describing it, but take my word for it...it's not as amazing as they thought it was. It's a friggin carrot!!!
Anyway, thus concludes my dialogue on Sandusky. I hope you enjoyed it.
I was supposed to be off to California, but plans changed, so I'm off for the week and hanging out in Chi-Town. I'll try to snap some interesting pics of the locals...they're all swarming around this time of year.
Stay tuned...
I'm crying
I wanted nothing more than to run around Sandusky, OH, my whole body painted orange, singing "One Shining Moment" at the top of my lungs.
Creepy Poems, Part Duex
Back by popular demand, it's the second installment of
"Creepy Poems"This time I'm writing about the lovely people I've met while on business in Ames, IA.
Ode to the girl that talks alotOn the day that I met you, you said you were sick
I offered some lozenges, "This'll do the trick."
But you kept hacking, it was pretty gross
Also, to add, your breath smells like my toes.
Ode to the old guyWhen I met you I was warned, you'd be difficult with to work
The way they were talking, I thought you'd stab me with a fork
Your driving was slow, some would say cautious
But there's no arguin', your Stetson makes me naucious
Ode to the waiter at Applebee'sI couldn't believe, how happy you seemed
When you served up my steak, and my potatoes creamed
Your gestures were wild, your smile divine
I suppose your doctor's, giving you drugs better than mine
Ode to all the mulletsOh what a haircut, I squeal with delight
Not sure what to blame it on, maybe Busch Light
They're blonde, brown, & curly; straight, long or short
Of course I used to have one, but that was when I was building a fort
That's all the poetry for now.
But as for a general announcement, on a suggestion from the_dude, I will now be atempting to accumulate different photographs of the wonderful people i interact with on my traveling ventures. Stay tuned for those installments.
Next on the traveling agenda is Sandusky, Ohio, followed by Ukiah, California.
