Dear Top 40 Radio...
Thank you for ruining a
perfectly good song by playing it approxamately every 20 minutes...one that only 3 months ago I proclaimed as the soundtrack to my summer. Now everytime I hear it, I want to rip off my arm just so I have something to throw at the radio.
If there's any other way you can ruin my life, I'll let you know.
-Philthy
"...and we all fall down"
A while ago (aka January) I was having dinner with superfun and Mr. and Mrs.
Oneway and conversation led to the song "Ring around the Rosey" The song was written about the Bubonic Plague (aka Black Death) that wiped out 30% of Europe. With such a fun subject matter it's no wonder this was commemorated in song and taught to small children.
In an effort to ensure that the children of the future remember the pandemics of today's era, I've decided to write some songs of my own...I hope you enjoy them, and please, teach them to your children.
Cancer (to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star")
Tumors, Tumors everywhere
Lumps and moles, you'll lose your hair
Dizzy, drowsy, bloody stool
Having cancer's not so cool
Don't smoke, or drink, or tan in the sun,
Then your life will be more fun!SARS (to the tune "Let's Talk About Sex" by Salt N Pepa)
Let's talk about SARS, baby
Let's talk about the wheezing
It starts out like pnuemonia
Then bursts on through ya
Like Mao through Beijing
Let's talk about SARS
Let's talk about SARS
Ebola (to the tune of the diarrhea song)
When you're tired and you're sore
and you're bleeding from your pores
It's Ebola! It's Ebola!
Your fever doesn't break
and your head's got the aches
It's Ebola! It's Ebola!
Chest pains confirm your fears
and you're crying bloody tears
It's Ebola! It's Ebola!
Your insides become your outs
then you know without a doubt
It's Ebola! It's Ebola!AIDS (to the tune of "The Ants Go Marchin'")
A-I-D-S, A-I-D-S
When you are an addict of drugs
You moan , You cough
and share needles with those thugs
You moan, You cough
promiscuous sex is all the rage
til you lose so much weight
you can see your rib cage
And you all go falling down,
to the ground,
'cause you're crippled
with pain
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS,
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS,
AIDS!**Disclaimer: I know this post is wrong on so many levels, but it's also so right. I personally don't find any of these diseases funny (except SARS) and if you're currently suffering from any of these my prayers are with you. I'm only doing this for the children**
POST ON DEMAND: "Why the Milwaukee Brewers are 6 games below .500"
Bensheets recently requested a post as to why the Milwaukee Brewers (his favorite baseball team) are 6 games below .500. While the easy answer is "they don't play baseball well" I thought I'd dive in a little deeper and explore this issue.
I learned that lifetime from 1970 through the 2005 season, the Milwaukee Brewers are around .470. However, there were some years in the late 70s, early 80s that the Brewers had records well over .500 that are throwing the average way out of whack. It turns out that they've only had 12 seasons in the last 35 that they have been at or above .500, the worst in 2002 finishing at .346
So Bensheets, since your Brewers are currently at .468 this is actually a pretty good season by Brewer standards. Stand up, and congratulate yourselves, Milwaukee Brewers, on almost achieving mediocrity!!
**To have your own post written simply reply in the comments section of any recent post.**
Coming soon to Philthy Laundry...
Hello faithful and sporadic readers of Philthy Laundry. First of all, apologies for the lack of posts recently. (4 in july...ridiculous) Things have been pretty busy for the past few months, and I've been mentally exhausted and simply uninspired.
In order to wet your palates, I thought I'd let you know of a few things in my head that are currently under construction. In the coming weeks look for posts on the following:
-A Lollapalooza recap (which starts today and climaxes on Sunday)
-A play by play of my recent vacation to the Greater San Francisco Bay Area
-An installment of Philthy's Nursery Rhymes (something for the kids)
Also I'd like to start something known as "Posts on Demand" where you the readers decide what topics we at Philthy Laundry will cover. Just simply comment in any recent post with a topic of your choice and I'll do my best to provide an adequate response.
Thanks for sticking around.
"Wendy's Plot to Record Profits" OR "Why My Life is Continually Becoming More Like George Costanza's"
SO LISTEN TO THIS!
I'm watching re-runs of Seinfeld when my tummy starts rumblin'. As I sit there wondering what will feed the angry troll that lives in my stomach, only one thing comes into my head: Wendy's Chili. (Don't ask me why I'm craving chili when it's 97 degrees out) So I get in to my car, drive to Wendy's in Effingham, IL and order a large chili and some sweet, tasty, french fries. My total is $3 and some change, and I hand the teenage punk girl a $20. She gives me my food and my change. I start to pull away when I realize the girl only gave me change for a $10. I pull around the restaurant and go back to the drive through window, explaining what happened. Her manager comes out and says that it'll take her 10 minutes to count the drawer out to prove she didn't give me the right change.
So I wait
And wait some more
(While we're waiting I should mention that the weekend before, my friend Kate and I went through a drive through of a Wendy's to get some Biggie Iced Teas to quench our undying thirst on such a hot Saturday in Chicago. That Wendy's employee also gave me the wrong change, but the situation was corrected immediately)
15 minutes later I drive back through the line and the manager informs me that the drawer wasn't over by $10. I inform her that I know I gave her a $20, so...
She insists that the drawer isn't over and that since I have no way to prove I'm right, and she does...thus, I'm wrong.
I reply with "Do you think this is some scam I came up with to cheat Wendy's franchises out of money? And I'm building a small fortune $10 at a time?!"
Her story doesn't change, just reiterating that I have no proof.
I'm at a crossroads in the situation, and I choose the high road, telling her that I'm not going to argue over $10, but she better hope this chili is damn good since it just cost me nearly $14. She walks away thinking I'm a common criminal. I drive away, steaming in my own thoughts.
There's only a few explanations I can think of for what happened.
1) I was mistaken and I actually gave her a $10. (Percent of likelihood: 0%)
2) The punk-ass behind the register took my $10 either in a blatant attempt to steal, or after the fact to make sure she doesn't get in trouble for short-changing a customer. (Percent of likelihood: 35%)
3) Wendy's Corp, falling on hard times, has come up with a brilliant scheme to short-change customers in order increase 3rd quarter profits. (Percent of likelihood: 65%)
I recall
this episode of Seinfeld in which George is driven to near insanity because a cashier short-changed him. Yet another reason that my life is slowly turning into George Costanza's. (Along with my receding hairline that no one else seems to notice and my impatient fits of rage)
But be sure, Wendy's, that I have not forgotten about this instance. I will find a way to get my $10 out of your corporation. If it takes taking extra napkins, straws, and honey mustard...it WILL happen!
I've been a fan of Snow Patrol for a while, but their latest CD
Eyes Open earns them AOTM cred. They're constantly compared to Coldplay, which in some instances is a fair comparison. They both have songs that are soft and melodious...but what sets Snow Patrol apart is that their lyrics actually mean something (Example:
from Chasing Cars: "I need your grace, To remind me, To find my own"). Coldplay's lyrics (for the most part) are just a bunch of dribble. Also, SP can bring it hard as well. If you can find it there's a track of them covering "Crazy in Love" by Beyonce...pretty stellar.
Anyway, if you like Coldplay, or British Rock (though SP is Irish)...you'll like these guys.
As well if you like to buy me presents, tickets to their sold out show in Chicago this September would be nice. Thanks
SO LISTEN TO THIS!
