Airing my Philthy Laundry

Impossible to look straight...

So while driving home from work today, i saw something that made me think (hardly ever happens, so you can imagine why it's important enough for you to continue reading)

At a stoplight, I see a very tall, very muscular, very manly looking black man crossing the street. Now normally I wouldn't have stopped singing "Afternoon Delight" long enough to even notice him. But today, this manly man was walking a white poodle wearing a pink sweater and a ribbon in it's hair. I did a double take in disbelief..."THIS GUY, walking a POODLE??? He must be gay!" And then it hit me...it's just impossible to look straight while doing certain activities, no matter how "straight" one looks.

So here is a brief list of activites that it's impossible to look straight while doing.
- drinking out of a straw
- drinking out of a martini glass (even James Bond looks fruity)
- jumping over a puddle
- squats
- yoga
- fixing your hair in a car mirror
- eating a chocolate covered frozen banana
- jumping and clapping simultaneously
- checking out your butt in jeans in one of those 3-way mirrors
- sewing on a button
- the macarana
- voting for the next "American Idol"

Additions are encouraged. If you disagree with one of the aforementioned activites, send me a picture of someone looking straight while doing it and I'll display it.

posted by philthy @ 7:44 PM 5 comments

Fashion Police

I've been irked lately by women's fashion. I work in a professional environment, where the men dress professionally, and women are allowed to dress in business casual. This usually ends up with me sitting in a shirt and tie, yanking at the collar of my neck, while my female cohorts are sitting in khakis and a cotton t-shirt (oh they say that they're professional because they bought them at express, or banana republic...but they were still made in the same sweatshops that my casual clothing was made in.) In addition, when they move in any direction, usually the top of their underwear shows since the shirts are too short, and the pants are low rise.

So in order combat this, i've appointed myself as an official member of the Chicago Fashion Police Squad. Whenever i see exposed stomach, lower back, or especially underwear on a woman, I start making a siren noise loudly and pointing at the exposed area. Not only does it attract attention from everyone within earshot, but it also sends the girls squirming to pull their shirts down and pants up.

I encourage men everywhere to stand up for the decent women of America who leave more to the imagination. Join the local fashion police in your community and put a stop to unnecessary PDT (public display of thong)

posted by philthy @ 3:58 PM 4 comments