David Spade: Please stop
I hope I'm not the only one that is sick of David Spade. He hasn't done anything funny since Tommy Boy...some would argue "Joe Dirt" was funny, but I don't argue with retards.
What's been really bugging me are those Capital One commercials where he just says "no" about a thousand times. It's seriously driving me crazy. Everytime one of those damn things come on, I start throwing whatever is available at the TV.
Since when is attempting to play "charge" on the keyboard, then yelling "NO!" to someone on the phone funny...it's not. Uh, "Cab-no, maybe?" Really, well shut the hell up David Spade...no one wants to hear from you anymore. You suck! Crawl in a hold and die! Oh yeah, and get a haircut!
I'm glad I got that off my chest.
Have a good day.
Smells
So how come all break rooms in all offices all over the country smell the same?
They all smell like stale coffee and a mix of every variety of lean cuisine known to man. Gross
What would you do?
So here's a new segment I'd like to start. Whenever I see a situation that makes me ask myself "Philthy, what would you do?" I will dodge responsibility and put it on the people of the world wide web.
So here's the situation:
You're the owner of a mid-range mexican restaurant in a college town of approx 50,000 people. Your restaurant is known as having some of the better mexican food in town.
So one of your patrons (a middle aged woman) knocks her margarita over accidentally after taking only 1 drink.
Do you bring her a new margarita free of charge, or do you not?More info to help you on your decision:
-your restaurant is in an area of town with a lot of hotels, it's the main restaurant within walking distance of these hotels
-the woman has a New England Accent.
-It's a Sunday night
-the woman is not drunk
-the glass broke when she knocked it over
-it's about 37 degrees out with a westerly wind about 15 mph
-the town is in the midwest
So there you go, folks. What would you do?
(there is a right answer and I will post it in a few days. the person who is closest will win a prize from philthy himself. prize will either be an extra hug next time i see you, or an opportunity to decline a hug next time i see you, whichever you prefer)
Why the Central Time Zone Sucks
Well hello, and thanks for stopping by.
I'm reporting today from beautiful Glens Falls, NY, where surprisingly they have more snow than Chicago. Being in NY for my training for my new job, I've realized that the central time zone sucks, particularly in response to them picture boxes called TVs.
I always wondered why my favorite shows (the OC) were on at 8pm, 7 central. For a while I was moved by this, that they made an exception for me...but then I grew up and realized life isn't as great as you thought it was. Why make an exception for this time zone. Everywhere else in the country, prime time is at 8. Why 7 in the central time zone?
Personally, I think it confuses a lot of people...but simplifying life for America isn't the motive behind this rant. What is that motive, you ask? three letters: PTI. PTI (Pardon the interruption) is quite possibly the best sports show ever made...and in Central time, it's on at 4:30, which means that only middle-aged housewives (who are usually sports retarded) and college students are the people privileged to watch it. But here in New York, and the majority of the rest of the country, it's on at 5:30, which is just in time to be starting when I roll in from work.
So, whoever is in charge of the time zone thing on TV (probably Condi Rice or Hillary Clinton) please see if you can change it, so everyone in the central time zone can enjoy this quality late afternoon programming.
Sure am glad I was wearin' underwear
I think everyone has one of these stories...if i thought about it, I'd probably have a dozen.
My most recent one, however, occurred just a few days ago when I went shopping for new suits for my new job. (Just a note when I say "shopping" I mean a public bending over, if you know what I mean.) Anyway, so I'm trying on these suits, and the pants were pretty big, I was holding them on while the tailor was marking them for adjustments. So here I stand in front of one of those 3-way mirrors with Carlos (the tailor) down at my ankles measuring out the cuffs, and Jeanie (my wonderful saleswoman) standing next to me writing down the alteration prices. Just then, these pants slip off my waist and immediately land on Carlos's poor head. And there I stand, in my light blue, penguin boxer shorts in front of everyone. All I could think was, "Thank God I was wearing underwear (and the penguin boxers had a button fly!)
If you have a "Sure am glad I was wearin' underwear story...please share with the rest of the world.
Cheers and Jeers
This is the time where I comment on things that are making me happy or annoyed. (note, more things annoy me than make me happy, thus the Jeers section will be considerably longer)
Cheers:
-Puppies
-springtime
-Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls (you know the one's in the can...so good)
Jeers:
-I bought stamps the other day out of a vending machine and the change i received was the Sacajawea dollar coin. Why does this thing exist? Is there a group of people out there that need the annoyance of these coins? You try to spend them and the cashier looks at you like
you're the one with the 8th grade education. And I wouldn't mind if I only received one of these, but i got 5, 5! And on top of that I got one of those old school Susan B Anthony dollars as well, I mean kick a guy while he's down, why don't ya!
-Who ever invented the rolling luggage: Genius! Whoever took that idea and applied it to backpacks and briefcases: IDIOT! You don't know how many times I've been behind one of these morons rolling their briefcase around like it weighs more than 7 pounds. PICK IT UP...JUST PICK IT UP!!!!
-People who talk about how sore they are in the morning because of the working out they did the night before. My theory is that they are not making conversation, but in fact rubbing it in your face that they worked out last night, and you did nothing. This is usually how the conversation goes:
Work out guy: "Man, I'm so sore today"
Unsuspecting friend: "Really, Why?"
Work out guy: "Dude, I did so many reps last night I thought my face was gonna fall off. I mean it's awesome that I'm this buff, but man does it hurt."
Now Annoyed Friend: "Well at least now people won't think you're gay...oh wait..."
-I really hate it when people say "you too" in response to anything. Example: "Hey Steve, have a nice vacation" "Oh you too!" I admit, I do this too, but it's still annoying
-How come the only time you see the really hot girl that lives in the apartment above you is when you haven't showered, you're wearing an old t-shirt with a giant stain on it, and you're taking out the 6 weeks worth of garbage you've accumulated from your laziness?
That's all for now, I sure do hope see some puppies soon, or else this week's going to suck.
The Rapper's Demise
Holy Crap ladies and gents! I have recently experienced one of the most disturbing songs of our generation. While riding back to Chicago, my man Shablizz, from Power 92 (#1 in the streets) played the new R Kelly song. Now R Kelly has had his moments over the past few years, from urinating on a young woman, to the sex scandals, his recent blowout with Jay-Z, and much much more. But the
lyrics to his new song have dumbfounded me.
And I quote: "Sex in the kitchen over by the stove. Put you on the counter, by the buttered rolls"
Wait wait wait, back up here. Did he just say Buttered Rolls??? He's doin' it by the Buttered Rolls!?!? That can't be...Who would rhyme stove with buttered rolls? This must be a mistake.
So the chorus comes around again and I pay really close attention this time: "Sex in the kitchen over by the stove. Put you on the counter, by the buttered rolls"
WHAT!!!! I thought I was mistaken the first time, there's no way that a man would write a song about having sex in a kitchen next to buttered rolls?
It was at this time that my eyes started to roll back in my head and I passed out. I don't know how long I was out, but I woke up at the emergency room. The doctors are standing around me, amazed that my vital signs are returning to normal. The doctor asked me what the last thing I remembered was, and I told him the story "I was driving along, and the new R Kelly song came on, and I vaguely remember the lyrics saying something about having sex in the kitchen next to some sort of food item...but I can't remember what it was. "Oh you mean the Buttered Rolls?" the doctor says. "I love that song, the nurses and I listen to it in the doctor's lounge, if you know what I mean"
NO!!! You mean this song is popular? People are buying it??? Why is this man still making millions of dollars??? Why is he an idol in the African American community??? What has he done to earn this money and respect??? I mean, his other songs like "Feelin' on yo Booty," and "Bump n' Grind" I thought they were bad enough, but this is unbelievable!!
Someone, please help me understand this...I'm not sure I can go on much longer.
Word's of Wisdom, Volume 1
I've decided to share some of my wisdom with the world through special posts entiled
"Words of Wisdom." Volume One describes ways to make an uncomfortable situation better.
-The easiest way to recover from an awkward comment or situation is to immediately smell the person next to you.
-Faking Tourette's Syndrome is the most effective way to get out of a conversation you didn't want to start in the first place.
-If you tell a joke that no one laughs at, if you laugh really, really hard at yourself, eventually those people will start laughing.
-If you've recently had an altercation with someone, and the fight or flight instict kicks in, it's better to utilize a delicate combination of the two, by slapping the person and running away.
-I think it's always the best bet to own up to the not so smelly farts, that way when you fart and it's really bad, you can say "It isn't me, I always claim mine!"
-When someone takes your sarcasm seriously, it's best to just pretend that you were serious. This will lower that person's self esteem so much that eventually they will become a shut-in and you won't have to deal with this person who can't take a joke.
That's all for now
This is Shablizz signing off
Free at last, Free at last. Thank God Almighty, I'm Free at Last!
Today was a very special day for me. I have finally quit the torture that is my current career at CDW, for bigger and brighter things.
I have accepted a job with a company doing Advertising Sales/Consulting. This new position will have me traveling around the US approxamtely 40 weeks out of the year, So I'll have plenty of inspiration for entries here at "Philthy Laundry."
I'm really excited about this position, and am even more excited that I now have an opportuinty to glorify God thorugh my work. He has blessed me with this opportunity where I will grow both personally and professionally. I will be able to interact with a variety of people and show them God's blessing.
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Eph 5:1-2On another note, since I don't start this new job until March 14th, I will be unemployed for a week...just imagine what I can think to write about....
Tasers gone wild!
Man Tasered by Police at Chucky CheeseNothing this excited ever happened at my birthday party
Creepy Poems
Today I was listening to the radio on the way to work, and the light-hearted disc jockeys were talking about when guys write creepy poems to girls. Most of the poems that the women of Chicagoland have received were a delicate blend of hilarity and creepiness. This inspired me to write a few poems to some people that have come in and out of my life lately. Enjoy!
"Ode to the guy that cut my hair last week"A special poem for Elliott at the Hair Cuttery
When you handled my scalp, your hands felt so soft and buttery.
I hope you weren't startled, when I looked at you with fright,
I've never seen a man with orange crimped hair, oh, what a sight!
"Ode to the girl that worked the checkout at the grocery store"Ode to the girl, who works at the Jewel
One of your eyes is lazy, the other is super cool
You handled my produce, with such ease and such care
I almost didn't notice, you were losing your hair
"Ode to the guy who walks his dog by my apartment"To the mystery man, that has a mystery dog
Thanks for letting your canine, pinch a fresh brown log
He did it near my car, oh what a horrid sight
Now I'm scraping poo off my shoe, all day and all night.
"Ode to the cashier at Taco Bell"Your name was Juanita, it was tattooed on your wrist
Thanks so much for offering, an order of cinnamon twists.
My food was extra spicy, it filled me with emotion
If it were up to me, I'd give you a promotion.
Thanks for reading...I'm so glad the world wide web has allowed me to be so open and honest with my feelings.
Seacrest out.
