Airing my Philthy Laundry

Rules for living in a civilized society

I'm continually amazed that even though we live in a modern American society, people can still be so clueless as to screw up my life with their ineptitude. Since I'm a kind a patient man, I've decided to help out those of you who despite your moronic tendencies have somehow managed to live amongst normal people by providing you a list of simple things you can do to improve everyone's lives.

Rule 1: Cellphones have infiltrated our culture and I've been able to deal with the fact that anyone that knows me can get ahold of me whenever they want. However, with great power comes great responsibility. It is absolutely unnecessary to call me while you're in the middle of a concert so I can hear the song that the band is playing. Because I can't hear the song, all i can here is static, screaming and noise. Also cellphone use on all forms of public transportation should be kept under a 3 minutes. In 3 minutes you can surely make plans to communicate with that person once you've vacated the vehicle so you're not the jackass that's screaming on the train.

Rule 2: I've vented several times about inept parenting. Here's a simple rule to follow: If your child is under the age of 10, they don't belong in a restaurant where the average plate cost is above $15. That's why God invented places like Perkins, and Chili's. So you can take your devil children to places where they are not bothering normal people. If your child is over 10 and still not acting civilized, beat them until they start...or risk me doing it for you.

Rule 3: Operating a motor vehicle can be hard work, with both the pedals and the steering wheel to worry about, I can see why this can be difficult for some of you. Here are two quick ones to remember:
3a: If you're driving on the highway, and you get passed on the right...it's your fault, no matter how fast you're going.
3b: If you park one car in a spot that's clearly big enough for two...don't be surprised if part of your car is missing when you return to it. (Side view mirror, brake line, etc)

Rule 4: Waiting for anything sucks, but it's a fact of life. If you approach a line, please go to the end of the line. Don't stand around in the middle somewhere and merge your way in. If you've already secured a position in line, it is not permissible to groan and moan or exhale heavily because it's taking longer than you want. Everyone's pissed...pick up an US Weekly, read about Nick and Jessica and get over it. Also, it is absolutely unacceptable to meander around and leave the line and expect to get your place back. Stay committed.

Rule 5: In regards to public laundry machines...don't leave your clothes unattended. If you share a laundry machine with 5 or less units, you have 37 minutes to transfer your laundry from one machine to the next, or risk it being thrown somewhere else. For every 10 units your building has, subtract 20 minutes from the amount of time you have before your clothes are strewn about haphazardly. If you have more than 50 units, you better be waiting when the buzzer goes off, or else. Plus, if things are in my size, there's a chance I'll steal them.

Finally
Rule 6: After engaging in some brief urinal talk in a public bathroom, it is absolutely inappropriate to pat me on the back after you zip up.

Take Heart, America.

posted by philthy @ 12:03 AM