Airing my Philthy Laundry

They should sell Vasectomies at The Gap

I just spent a wonderful weekend in Upstate New York traveling to witness the beauty of Niagara Falls. Normally I can always find something to complain about on my travels (see every other post I've written) but this time I was pleasantly surprised that I had nothing to lament over. I arrived in the Niagara Falls vicinity, and though I was a little misdirected, I finally reached them. Almost immediately, it started raining, but it was impossible for me to be upset about the weather standing in front of this natural marvel.
Afterwards I headed over to a casino to play some cards. I lost some money, but considering the length of time I played blackjack, the variety of great people I met while doing so, and the fact that I expect to lose, I was very entertained and not the least bit disappointed in my losses.
The next morning I woke up and headed back to Oswego, (purposely going slower than normal to remain behind a van that was transporting a horse. Not in a trailer pulled by the van, but the horse in the van...you can imagine my glee) and on the way home I noticed an outlet mall of substantial proportion. Anyone who knows me also knows that I have a lot of trouble passing up a good outlet mall (an addiction brought on by a couple of the fellas in the links area -->) I stopped and shopped, found some bargains and then I saw it...the mecca of every outlet mall, The Gap. Always the home of the hottest deals, and the one store you can't not visit. After making my way past a giant Arby's oven mitt (or rather a man dressed in an Arby's oven mitt costume) I entered. The deals: amazing. I stocked up on several pairs of boxers at over 40% off the already low ticketed price (because you can never have too much underwear) and a new pair of flip-flops which I desperately needed after the Worst Day Ever costing a mere $1.99.
Then it happened, the dilapidation of my anger-free weekend. Standing in the long checkout line, a young family approaches to stand in line behind me. Man, Wife, and 3 little fallen angels. First of all the youngest, and still a baby/young toddler was screaming its head off and I'm forgiving of that, its still too young to know better. But the other two are lucky to be alive right now, because if I were their father, I would have killed them, or at least let them peck each other to death like a couple of Mexican chickens. The boy, probably 6-7 was jumping and squawking like a coked-up bird. The girl, maybe 5, was bouncing back and forth between her father's arms and standing on her own. When her father was holding her, she was kicking and screaming to be put down. When she was on the ground she was running in circles and swinging her arms around shrieking like a miniature banshee. Ridiculous.
If they sold vasectomies at The Gap, I would have gladly purchased one for this man, so he could have no chance of ruining the world with another one of his offspring. By the look on his face, I think he would have accepted without hesitation.

posted by philthy @ 8:01 PM