A Philthy English Lesson
I was cleaning out my email inbox and came across this email sent to me a year ago by my friend, Kate. Supposedly these are actual similes & metaphors submitted by a US English teacher. Though I seriously doubt that the current generation is responsible, I still got a decent chuckle. Enjoy!1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with pinhole in it and goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Toledo at 4:10 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind of his own, like a steel trap - only one that had been left out so long it rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But, unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical duck, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells as if she were a garbage truck baking up.
26. She walked past my office like a centipede with 98 legs missing.
posted by philthy @ 4:59 PM
2 Comments:
You know when you read something funny with someone and you laugh out loud because it is mildly funny? Then, when you read or watch something mildly funny by yourself, you don't laugh out loud.
I was by myself when I read this and I laughed out loud. Good stuff.
Very funny. Like an watching an old friend dance on stage in a ballerina tutu, if the friend was actually an episode of "Arrested Development" and instead of watching the show on stage you were actually stoned, sitting in the living room.
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