Open Letters
Dear Charmin Toilet Paper Company,I hope this letter finds you well. I'm writing in regards to your packaging techniques. I've noticed over the years that it's becoming harder and harder to find toilet paper in a convenient 4 pack. It seems that my options are 12 triple thick rolls, 48 double rolls, or 712 single rolls.
While I'm sure that certain orphanages and federal penitentiaries are very happy buying their toilet paper in such quantities, but I still feel there should be smaller pack options available. I really don't need another thing to remind me that I live alone in a small garden apartment with limited storage space, and that maybe if I could stop having commitment issues and fix some of the problems in my life I could meet a nice girl, possibly settle down and purchase a house with enough storage space to hold the toilet paper that you apparently feel I need to supply the immense amounts of crapping my future family would do!
Sorry, I got a little crazy there. Please bring back the 4 pack.
Thank you for your time,
Philthy
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Dear Public Restroom Maintenance Staff,
Thanks for taking the time to read this letter. I know you literally have a crappy job, and the last person you want to hear from is some yuppie from Chicago, but I have a few suggestions that I feel would improve user happiness, and ultimately make your jobs easier.
I understand that what we do in there is smelly, and that extreme hot temperatures can increase that smell. However I don't feel the best response is to crank up the air conditioning to arctic conditions. The only thing worse than sitting on an ice cold toilet seat, is feeling like "less of a man" because it's 28 degrees in the bathroom...I think you get what I'm hinting at here.
Also maybe you could use a less abrasive sandpaper for toilet paper. We're sensitive down there, and I don't need cardboard TP ripping me a new one. I know the fine people at Charmin sell rolls of soft tissue in 450 roll packages.
Like I said, I know your job isn't glamorous, and I'm sure you do the best you can. But if you could see to it that some of these concerns are addressed, the world would appreciate it.
Warmest Regards,
Philthy
PS. The sailboat wallpaper is a little over the top, don't you think?
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Dear Cable News Networks,
Greetings and Salutations!
I'm writing to express concern with the future of television journalism. I know things have been pretty rough for you guys lately, what with the lack of general journalistic integrity that has been running rampant. Competition is everywhere, and you are currently facing the same issues as every other major news media in trying to attract a younger audience.
I feel that you're going about things all wrong. Lately I've witnessed Nancy Grace's 387 day follow up on the case of missing Natalee Holloway, Tucker Carlson arguing with random washed up TV personalities day and night, Anderson Cooper's 2 hour long exclusive interview with Angelina Jolie, Matt Lauer's seizure inducing interview with Britney Spears, and don't even get me started on Rita Cosby's 2 day long expose' on American Idol a month after the finale'.
I think that your efforts would be best appreciated by reporting a somewhat unbiased report of actual news. Just a thought
Hugs and Kisses,
Philthy
posted by philthy @ 3:07 PM
1 Comments:
Good work, Philthy.
How about a letter to Network Execs, who cancel shows like "Arrested Development" and put on more idiotic competition shows like "America's Got Talent" which, besides being a moronic waste of time, also provides David Hasselhoff a reason not to commit suicide. And come on, we all know the world would be a better place if he just offed himself.
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