Airing my Philthy Laundry

The missing link in the Axis of Evil: Wisconsin

Recently, I spent 2 weeks in the North Woods of Wisconsin, in a small town on coast of Lake Superior. When I first arrived here, I thought that this would be a standard trip for me: stay in a small town, sell some stuff, high-tail it back to civilization. But those couple weeks were more of an experience for me. Somewhat enlightening, definitely informative, and honestly, a little creepy.

You see, I didn't realize that fateful Sunday evening, that I was driving right into a battle zone. It's a battle that's far greater than Montagues VS Capulets, or even Bloods VS Crips. The battle of which I speak is between Hillbilly & Hippie.

Much like other historic feuds, the battle between hillbillies and hippies is fueled by location. The winding pine forests, rocky bluffs, and a lake that reaches far past the horizon make this perfect breeding ground for both groups. The hillbillies can dwell in deep into the forest, not to be disturbed by even the cleverest and most persistent of Jehovah's Witnesses. And the hippies, initially migrated to the area as wide-eyed 18 year olds to attend an environmental college. But over 4 years (well honestly 6 years) were charmed like a snake to the hypnotizing tune of the wind blowing through the trees and the waves of the lake. (Now, of course, they're ruined by thinking that since they bus tables at an organic bakery, they're saving the world from the evils of capitalistic America.) Both groups (when they're not high on the "grass of the earth", or drunk homemade moonshine) claim this land as their own.

After a few days, I began to realize that the hillbillies and the hippies had a lot in common, and could really live peacefully among one another if they'd just embrace their similarities rather than linger on their differences.
For instance neither groups wear shoes.
Both groups smell bad, and have horrible hygiene.
Their hair is dirty and greasy, their clothes are tattered.
And they both "hate the man."

So consider this my public outcry: Hillbillies and Hippies unite! Frolic in the meadow together chasing butterflies and solve the world's problems under the influence of mind altering substances. Hug a tree, or live in a tree...whatever. I'll promise to leave you alone if you'll promise to shower when you come in contact with the rest of society. Deal?

posted by philthy @ 6:24 PM