Airing my Philthy Laundry

Thoughts on Canada

Let me start out by saying that even though this post may seem very judgmental and anti-Canada, I actually kind of had a good time the 2 weeks I was stuck up there, sort of. The people, by and large, were very nice and courteous, albeit some were a little dim-witted. But enough with the niceties, on with the post.

I'm not even sure why Canada exists. I know when I learned I would be traveling there, I kind of chuckled. I don't think very many think of Canada as a foreign country. In fact when people ask me if I've ever been to a foreign country, I say "Well, I was in Canada, if that counts." Usually it doesn't count. So this led to a little issue when I was trying to cross through Canadian customs at the airport. The guy was being really serious asking me all kinds of questions about what I would be doing while in the country. The whole time I was answering his questions, I was laughing on the inside thinking, "You know you're going to let me in. I'm American. Without us, you'd still be British."
That may not bother many Canadians though, since several of them take great pride in being able to trace their lineage back to the originally British Loyalists that migrated from America during the American Revolution. I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, to wuss out and stay under British rule rather than fighting in the war, but I bet if they would have known that someday they'd have Prince Charles's goofy mug on their coins, they would have reconsidered.

Politically, Canada is set up for disaster as well. First of all, they have 3 major parties, which means it takes even longer to get anything accomplished. Their parliament acts like a family where the 3 siblings are always fighting, but usually it's 2 ganging up on one. The other 2 parties got up enough votes recently to call for a new Prime Minister election. So now they are in a three way campaign where everyone is equally incompetent. The current Prime Minister, Paul Martin, decided his main campaign strategy would be to claim his opponents think Canada is a nice place to live, where as he LOVES Canada. He's currently demonstrating this by traveling around shouting "I LOVE CANADA!" like a crazy person in both English and French at all of his pep rallies. Think Howard Dean only more desperate.

Another commonality I noticed during my Canadian travels, is that sex is running rampant up there. It's like a cross between Amsterdam and a Tampa Bay Buccaneers training camp. When I mentioned I would be traveling to visit Toronto for the weekend, every guy told me...stay by the airport, that's where all the strip clubs are. I chalked this up to just general perversion, until I noticed that there were a high amount of adult shops and gentleman's clubs everywhere. The more I think about this, the more it starts to make sense that Canada seems to always have a major disease breakout. First it was Mad Cow Disease, then it was SARS, now it's the Bird Flu. Not that you get Mad Cow and SARS from frequenting strip clubs, but it can't help the situation at all.

I tend to use several factors whenever I evaluate the places I travel to. One of the factors I use is food. I love different cultures food, and each regions take on cuisine. As soon as I arrived, I was told that I have to try Poutine (pronounced POO-TEEN) while I was in Canada. When they described the dish consisting of French Fries, topped with gravy and cheese curds, I didn't exactly lick my lips with excitement, but I'll give almost anything a shot. Mistake number 1. When my order of Poutine came out, it looked like Idaho diarrhea. I should have known not to eat something where the first syllable is POO, but what can I say, I'm naive.

So I guess after all my experiences in the country just above America, I came out of it what I expected. General disinterest, and a little bit of pity.

posted by philthy @ 12:35 PM